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Goddammit. I am no longer top on Google for a search for Wooden Penis Bottle Opener. I am distraught. Maybe this will help. Wooden Penis Bottle Opener. Let this be a lesson to all you White Hat SEO mavens - you can’t rest on your laurels. In other Search News, my girlfriend is back on top (ooerr missus) for her target keyphrase Moomins and things. It’s the name of her crap but high-larious blog.

Da Government is launched han hinitiative for to get peepol to be safe on da Hinternet. Hit is called “Get Safe Online” innit. Sorry, I will stop that. Anyway, Get Safe Online offers safety tips to people who are new (and old) to the Internet, and encourages business (like LoveHoney to sign up and spread The Good Get Safe Word. At least, that’s what you’d think - but they don’t want help from (sob) people like us.

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I still don’t understand this. Should you be doing some late-night surfing (do people still “surf”?) and decide to try to download some company reports rather than the latest Bang Bus video, you’ll be frustrated because the Companies House Webcheck service is “available from Monday to Saturday 7.00am to 12 Midnight UK Time”. I just don’t understand. Do they actively have to take it off-line and midnight and then put it back online at 7am? Does the night security guard do it at the start and end of his shift? Do companies magically get dissolved or go bust in the twilight and early morning hours? Why can’t they keep it online all the time? It’s especially frustating when you want to see if one (or two) of your competitors has filed its (their) overdue accounts yet.

LOLZOR. In much the same way as we didn’t have permission to upload the clip of iBuzz Two on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, the show’s producers, Hotsauce TV (no web site that I can find in 10 seconds on Google), weren’t entirely within their remit in requesting that it be taken down. People, companies, whoever, can only submit takedown requests for clips in which they own the copyright. I asked the jolly old BBC who owns the copyright to Friday Night with Jonathan Ross and they said…

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When the iBuzz Two was on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross last December, we were only too please with the publicity and thought LoveHoney visitors would like to see JR’s two-minute erotic escapade with the music-activated vibrator. So we duly digitised the clip and uploaded it to YouTube. 60,000-ish views later, we received a DMCA take-down notice from YouTube - our very first!

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I am not sure that this is what JK Rowling had in mind for a Harry Potter title. But I’d like to see the film of it.

I adopted a monkey called Mitchell over at Bunny Hero Labs. Spank my monkey! You could use a Monkey Spanker.

LoveHoney’s Vacuum Cleaner Sex Toy video has been linked to and shown by a whole lot of blogs, most of whom have been taken with (or aback by) The Professor’s performance. Described variously as “confused looking bald man” or simply a “fat bald man”, he’s come in for rather a lot of stick. But the comments on the Furtive Minx block are particularly funny and also give a great example of mis-firing Google AdSense.

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We had some fun last week making a video to show off the Vortex Vibrations Vacuum Cleaner sex toy. Of course, the apocryphal story is of the bloke who tried to get a blow-job from his vacuum cleaner, but this one is real and it’s for women. It’s a fun video and we’re giggling with excitement that it’s already had more than 54,000 views on YouTube. Heh.

A while ago I mumbled about uTube.com which was bitching at Google-owned YouTube for crashing its servers because so many people were going directly to its site by typing in “utube.com” instead of “youtube.com”. I suggested that perhaps they could do something more constructive than bitch - make money. Well, now they are. $1,000 reportedly (though like any good blogger I haven’t check any of my sources).

For years, I’ve had this ace joke where I put a big envelope on each hand, hold them up and say: “Did you hear they’re remaking Edward Scissorhands?” Most people don’t get it. And when I explain, they don’t think “Edward Envelopehands” is very funny. But I do. Once I picks up five mugs in one hands and told the joke again. My friend Ed found that funny, but only in an archly ironic way because he had had to put up with years of hearing and seeing the original. Anyway, almost inevitably, this made me laugh.

Like most online businesses, LoveHoney is always on the look out for new places to promote its Web site. For us that means finding portals, blogs or shopping directories that can drive targetted traffic to help us sell more sex toys. It’s not as simple as finding a site and booking some space - many companies still don’t know how to deal with sex toys, too often equating a search for “vibrators” with “find me some porn”. Orange.co.uk is a classic example. Type sex toys or vibrators into the search box on its home page and you’re shown an age-check splash-page because adult search results follow. So far, so bog-standard, but it’s what happens when you click through to the search results proper that should have Orange.co.uk hanging its head…

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It was a huge pain in arse getting through, but Talk Talk have actually done something about speeding up my Internet connection. When I phoned from work, I spent half an hour on the phone explaining the problem and was told I had to speak to the “second line”. They could see that my connection was limited to 2Mb even though it should be 8Mb. But I couldn’t be put through because I had to be calling on the line that had the problem.

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So far so quick…

“Dear Mr Longhurst,

Thank you for your e-mail regarding the Broadband connection.

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