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One of the many attractions of the Venus Show is the variety of fucking machines on display. Considering the amount of flesh on display at the show, it’s perhaps slightly disappointing that there aren’t any live-action product demonstrations - this rather ungainly doll was positioned to be on the receiving end of a remote-control fucking-machine rogering, but this was as close as it got.

Of course, Venus is a time to catch up with old friends as well as to meet new products, so it was good to see our old friend Dr Joel Kaplan - “The most trusted name in pumping” - on the TopCo stand. We had him pose next to a Fucking Machine, even though his range of penis, scrotum and clitoris pumps has nothing to do with them. He is a one-man love machine, though. Dr Joel, we salute you.

The Vroom 7-in-1 Love Machine was an interesting variation on the fucking machine theme. Rather than being a heavyweight standalone unit, it’s designed to strap on to a bed, table, chair or (as shown here) office filing cabinet so ladies (or men, I guess) can indulge in some hands-free pleasure.

The Vroom is innovative because it has an extra vibrating stimulator attached by way of a cord. The thing you see sticking out of the top is a clitoral stimulator that can be repositioned anywhere along the shaft of the vibrator. Which is a nice thought.

It’s not clear why it’s called a 7-in-1 Love Machine because the sign (which you probably can’t read from that distance) actually boasts “8 programs of pulsation and vibration”. Maybe one of them doesn’t work.

Fucking machine designers have a tough job because not matter how they try, it’s hard to disguise the fact that you’re selling a box full of moving parts. And big ones, at that. Inside there, it’s cogs, wheels, motors, printed circuit boards and God knows what. Maintain an illusion of sensuality is nigh-on impossible, so most don’t even bother trying.

What they really need is to get iMac designer Jonathan Ive on the case. Stick an iPod logo on it for good measure and they’ll sell loads. Jonathan is currently “Senior Vice President, Industrial Design” at Apple, so even if they did ask, I suspect he’d be too busy. And too expensive.

I have some video footage of these machines working, so if I can work out how to suck it on to my PC and then on to the Internet, I’ll whack it up here.

But of all the fucking machines at the show, this was undoubtedly the Daddy. Ably demonstrated by its Japanese inventor (whose name escapes me right now), it’s a tour-de-force of power. Presented in female-friendly pink, the control unit is supplied in a smart silver briefcase and connects to the business end via an electric cable that would make Dr Frankenstein sigh with nostalgia.

Press the buttons and twisting the dials on the control unit sends the piston-powered vibrator into motion, thrusting, vibrating, pounding, pulsating, oscillating. If you’ve got verb, it can do it.

The only catch is the price tag - a cool $5,000. But hey - what price pleasure?