Today is the day that we’re being encouraged to take part in the biggest blog in history. As part of the History Matters campaign, the National Trust is calling for as many people as possible to record a blog diary of this one day as a record of our national life. “Take part, spread the word, and make the day historic,” they say, so that people looking back from the future can marvel at our wonderful lives. So here’s my contribution – a round-up of what’s hit my in-box today…
VENUS BERLIN – Special Offer
To trail its appearance at the Venus Berlin sex show this weekend, French porn distributor Inexespro e-mails with some bargain basement DVD offers.
The “Hetero DVD Pack” boasts 25 titles for just 99 euro, including Young Ripe Mellons #4, Assault That Ass #3, Sport Fucking and Breakin’ ‘Em In #5.
There are cheaper films to be had in the Transexual range – 10 titles for just 29 Euro, including She-Male Fuckfest, So You Think She’s A Girl? and the under-rated She Cums Like A Guy.
So much porn, so little time – I wonder if they’ll still be allowed to wank in the future.
(BTW, we’re going to the the Venus show on Thursday and Friday, so I’ll bring you a warts (eww) and all report from the front line of the German sexen festen. The Japanese products are always interesting…)
OhMyBod Price List
A price list and order form for the OhMiBod music-activated vibrator. It’s a nice-looking product, but it has the most difficult name to type (go on, try it). It’s almost as good as our iBuzz but nowhere near as good as iBuzz Two. 
On going to their site, I’m reminded that it always crashes my browser with an ActiveX error message. I wonder if they’ll still have error messages and computers that crash in the future.
A Birthday Booze-Up Invite
Milford mails to say: “It is my birthday on Thursday when I reach the grand old age of 32. But seeing as it’s a school night, I’ll be off out on Friday night…” so that’ll be fun.
Will they still have binge drinking in the future? Will they still even have alcohol? I guess so – they’ll need something to keep the proles down.
Loads of Spam
Of course! A few hundred spam messages, most of which were caught by our anti-spam filter, so it’s a quick check for any that were incorrectly flagged and then a mass delete.
Perhaps spam will be outlawed in the future. Or Microsoft (or Microoogle as it will probably be by then) will have invented some super-genius fail-safe way of stopping spam being sent. As if.
HitWise UK Online Retail Report
“As a friend of Hitwise, we’d like to share with you our recent special report focusing on the UK online retail industry, attached,” writes Jamie Cahill of Hitwise, a company which aims to provide “search intelligence for online advertising and search marketing.”
Putatively an attempt by Hitwise to prepare online retailers like LoveHoney for the Christmas season, the report that Jamie sends contains observations so mind-numbingly obvious that I almost slip into a coma.
The Web site of toy retailer ToysRus.co.uk gets lots more visits in the weeks before Christmas 2005 when people go on to search engines and start typing in the names of toys they want to buy.
After spending millions on TV advertising, Argos gets a lot more visits to its argos.co.uk Web site before Christmas 2005 from people who have go on to search engines and typed in “argos” and “argos.co.uk”.
Hitwise does also make some bold predictions: Google will be responsible for more referrals to shopping sites this year than last, as will social network sites like MySpace and Bebo.
FFS. If that passes for “search intelligence” I’d hate to think what passes for “search idiocy”.
I wonder if they’ll have MySpace and Bebo in the future. Or Hitwise. Tch,
LoveHoney Order Confirmation E-mails
When someone places an order on LoveHoney, we get a confirmation e-mail which says what products have been purchased and that the payment has been authorised. The e-mails don’t contain any customer details at all, so it leaves us to imagine the fun they’re going to be having when their order arrive. Oh look, here’s one now:
1 Doc Johnson Vac-U-Lock Double Penetrator Flesh,1 Doc Johnson Spike Anal Lube 142ml,1 Ben Dover Anal Training Kit Purple,1 Flirt Our First Bondage Kit Black,1 Universal Leather Strap-On Harness Black,1 Doc Johnson Vac-U-Lock 7-inch Natural Dildo,
And that, is my contribution to history.
Richard Longhurst, age 37 and a quarter.